Deviating the sarcasm and the truth shall set you free!
It has taken me a long time to open my eyes again to see the things around me that really lightens my day, but somehow I still do miss it. Tonight was a night where I reached back to those things that just brought out the best in me and somehow I just relived a moment and I realised how lucky I am.Back on the island, my main focus was to succeed professionally and to proof to those that doubted for so long that I will make it, even if it meant doing it on my own. For a very long time in my life I thought that I needed to proof to those who were so very close to me that I could be just so much better.....just that little bit more then your usual average person and I definately tried to achieve more than was predicted for me. It is really funny how we in a modern day society try to live up to the expectations of everyone that loves and believe in us. And when we fail, it kind of seems that it was our destiny to do so.
I kind of ran away from everything that was normal around me just to be free from everything that held me back and to start a new leave by doing just that I believe in. It is really akward to analize yourself to such an extent where you ask yourself certain questions and you for god sake know that you will never have any answers. The easy way out is always to say that time would tell and it will also heal many wounds. I found a feeling a while ago and somehow I have overplayed my hand and burned my fingers and thought that there would not have been any easy way out or how impossible it would have been to imagine sunrise the following morning. That is when you know that you have hit rock bottom and there is only 2ways out. The first is by death or the other is to stand up and build everything around you to such a level where you would profoundly find satisfaction and then that feeling........
I wish I could explain to you guys exactly how that feels. It is definately not feeling of acceptance or maybe the attention one receives once you thought you made a big time in this hard, mercyless, cruel world that we are living in. I guess the easiest way to explain it is by noting that if there is absolutely noting on earth that bothers you and you just ride the wave. I guess it might be the feeling of riding the wave of personal success (not that I would know) or just totally satisfaction of achieving everything that you set yourself out to obtain, but in the same time to be free from everything that tries to pull you down. It is not easy and we live in a world loaded with stresses, grudges, heartache & pain and misfortune......but at the end of the day all that really matters is that you achieve total inner happiness. To many people this level could be achieved by setting themselves different goals, but I know what makes me happy even though I thought that I have lost it somehow. Yes, maybe I did loose it for a while and yes, I did loose myself in such a bad way that it took mysteriously different directions to get to a point to realise that somewhere I have taken a bad turn.
After my European tour I thought that no more shall I let myself get down to that point of no return and I tried to tuck all those things that really hurt and discouraged me away and somehow find new light to move forward. I went out of my way to make sure that it will never happen again (for now at least) and I have focussed on those things that never let me down. But the biggest lesson I guess I have learned lately is that somehow you need to deal with those things otherwise it will bother you untill you set yourself free from it. And I definately do not talk about my previous relationship or about the people who let me down. No, definately not at all, because at the end of the day you walk this earth alone and you are the master of your mind and you definately determine your own destiny. It just takes time to settle into those things that dearly creates your own world of so many wonders. Sometimes I think of just how lucky I am to do just those things that gives me internal satisfaction and to be in a career that you believe in, eventhough it is not always sunshine and roses, but the end result is just so must more satisfying......even if it is only me that sees it that way.
For a second tonight I felt it again......and that comforted and encouraged me in a way that I knew that I am definately on the right track. If I turn around now I will be a fool and just play this one out....you will see the final product. Somehow I have created a world around me that sometimes I do loose a bit of motivation and think by myself what on earth was I thinking....You are definately out of your league and then just that thought......hey, you are Gordon and nothing is impossible.You just need to put your mind to it and you will make it and then is not just a tip, it's a promise. Life has a funny way to make us realise how lucky we are, even if it means learning it the hard way. The easiest way to really understand all of this weird shit is to see tomorrow morning when you wake and think by yourself....what fuck has this great day have installed for me. Be all that you can be and take up every opportunity that life has to offer...even if it means for me to eat fish.....which I do now sometimes......
Sunday evening I got on my bike (The Beast) and I took it for a Sunday Evening Drive and I for just a moment I felt soooo free and it was just me and my beast. And I was really satisfied to say the least. It is always such a great feeling to reach certain milestones in your life it this was definately one of mine.....But at the end of the day I do feel lonely and I miss to have that comfort feeling of someone just believing in the good of you. Nothing else, just you and I have accpeted that I needed to learn all just that what life wanted me to learn from that situation and I still do......eventhough there are so much questions floating in the air.....there is just one that I think I need to know and it is all that actually matters and that is how are you doing? Really, sometimes I see shooting stars and then the best wish I can think of is to wish you definately all that happiness in the world...because you definately deserve it all.
So, I guess I have said everything I wanted too.....What a strange turn my life has taken and to think back one year ago and never would thought that I have accomplished so much in such a short time of space as I have done since. Never let your dreams die......Sometimes I think it is really all that we have. LIVE IT!
