It’s time to talk about it………
One of the many reasons for going to Germany was to go either resolve certain issues or end a situation that kept me from being me. This is a situation that started off basically a year ago and it started off under unusual circumstances. Both of us had real hard issues to deal with and very difficult decisions to make and we kind off dragged it out for now to be known as is for too long.
It kept us both from dealing with reality and as it was brought to my notice that somehow I was only living a dream or even worst, an illusion. I do not think it is wrong to live a dream as long as it doesn’t change the real you and everything about you. What do I think of this relationship? Well, all that I can say for now is that I did learn my lesson the hard way. I’m probably still very sad how things ended and deep down I’m still very angry. Other questions about this relationship I can not answer now and time will tell. Honestly I do think I gave it my best shot and I gave everything I had and I believed that it was genuine and pure.
But sadly I have to acknowledge that my heart spoke a total different language, other than my head. The thing about me is that I rather do believe in the good of people rather than focusing on the bad. Life is too short to really feel depressed and why is it just so difficult to be happy? People aren’t happy for a lot of reasons and sometimes I feel that mostly of them aren’t happy because they know the road to their happiness, but are so afraid of taking that road.
I do not resent any moment spending time with her accept maybe for the last day that I have seen her. I think we all have said a lot of things that weren’t true and being able to say Goodbye under those circumstances clearly ruins the image that is stuck in our heads and it kills memories that were quite astonishing, incredible and beautiful. Maybe it was really what we needed, but for me to this day it feels so wrong to end a friendship (maybe not a relationship at this point anymore). To this day I still believe that she was the most amazing thing that could have ever happen to me, but somehow I know the timing isn’t right. For now I do not wish for us to be together again in this specific point in time and I do not know if ever. Right now I need to be alone astablishing everything that I found so great. Time has a fascinating way of resolving a lot of problems and teaches us how well to deal with a situation differently. I just wanted to let her know that my feelings were true and how it will end up? I do not know and I do not want to think about it right now. Just remember that NEVER is a long time, don’t wish one day goodbye to just so that another morning could break.
Darling, everything will be OK.....I promise you. Don't be too hard on yourself.
So, I’m standing here at a crossroad in my life where I knew a year ago that this day would come. Maybe I was just afraid of it and scared to take those decisions in my life. But that is a sign I guess where someone gets mature by taking those decisions and set the platform of our lives which will determine our destiny whatever that might mean.
I have discovered in Mauritius that I have the talent for reading people and understanding body language. I kind of enjoying being perceptive, but overall it makes me sad to see so many people around us are so sad. I really wish that there was some way I could change the world and make people see that everything out there aren't just all bad. Actually, most of it is fucking awesome. I have to admit that I have fallen in the same trend and it took me a long time to change my mindset and feelings towards life just because I was longing for someone so badly that I didn’t realize that MY whole world around me have been filled with negativity. What I have promised myself a long time ago is to change my whole outlook towards life and make MY little world filled with positivity and at the end of the day it is just this that truly determines someone’s happiness and well being. Some people find that by dedicating their lives to work and by having a family, nice car or house or whatever, they are happy.
For me, it is different. For me, I need to know that people around me are really happy and every time I try to change the world just to change the way I feel. I’m really not a depressed person and I kind of see myself as someone that truly enjoys life to its maximum and experience all the things that were kept from me, because of our politics in South Africa. Not that I regret my past life, not at all. It taught and made me the person who I am today and I know that there are a lot of people out there that appreciate who I am, what I stand for and what I’m trying to accomplish in my life. I do know that there are people out there who love it to call me their friend and are glad to be associated with me.
But like I have said previously, I’m standing at this crossroad in my life where I do have to make certain decisions that will affect my life for years to come. For now, I have to think of myself. I think of my work situation and what will happen next year and where I will go. During my trip through Europe I have realized that it is important to think about it, but do not loose track of time or do not wish everyday to go by just to live for that day. Focus on what is real, what is happening right now and deal with those topics that are important now in your life. For me, Edina did not work out and it is tough and she might have taken my dreams with her, but she couldn't take my spirit or my soul and now I need to decide what I will do next.
I have met so many great people in Europe and I have reunited with so many friends & family. It kind of felt to me that I relived a period of my life that was real 7/8 months ago on a very small island! A lot of the people I know say that Mauritius was an island of broken dreams, but I would like to disagree. I see Mauritius as a place that taught me the true value to life and made me understand what life was all about and it made me realize who I am and what I have to offer to so many people. How I am going to do it? I know that I can not change the world, but I can make people around me feel internal happiness even if it only last for one evening. At least you can smile and that will definitely be a life changing feeling that you will miss for the rest of your life if you do not try and revitalize a feeling like that. I know Mauritius will never be the same again, but I will like to go back and stand on the beach in Flic en Flac and say thank you for everything that the island gave and taught me. I know sometimes people create a place away from home that is just perfect other than reality, but Mauritius is not that for me. I am not ashamed who I am and where I’m from. No, not at all! The people I met back on the island would tell you that there is no one else in the world that loves South Africa more then I do. It is just an amazing place, but right now, it is not the place where I want to be.
I truly know that I do want to go back someday, but just not now. There is no other place I rather want to be than here in Tanzania and even if previously it did not sound like it, I know it is a period of my life I was meant to live and I need to take from it what I can. My mind has opened in so many different aspects where previously it was kind of blocked and I did not want anything to enter just because of the fear of loosing someone special or a feeling I had. Now, that is bullshit. I will not allow it again for someone to keep me living my life. Directly it was not her fault, but indirectly yes it was. I do not want to blame anyone or anything for my mistakes or believes, but myself. The key is from now to focus on just that that is so important and that is living everyday to its maximum even if it means work.
How will I go forward? I have established a small structured plan how to do it. I will go out and meet a lot of new people like I was use too. I will make friends again and I will go and see the world and experience all those things that are so different to me. I want to experience everything I possibly can while I have the chance too. I want to meet those people that wants to meet me and basically, I will live the moment. That is just what I think life is all about. Being proud, but being humble. Being confident, but being true. One thing is for certain and that is that I’m not living an illusion anymore. I’m Gordon and you could consider yourself lucky to be my friend. For those who don’t want to be anymore, it will be sad, but it is your fucking choice and you are entitled to what you want. Just do not walk next to me and bullshit me, because I will turn around and you will be sorry to have ever met me.
This morning was an absolutely beautiful day even if my rugby team got caught in the act last night. The sky was so blue and cloudless. I was wearing my T-shirt and shorts again and the world was so green after the rains. It is an incredible feeling to walk out in the bush and you smell the sand or dust after the rains and you see all the animals are so free. Why do we always have to complicate our lives so much? Live are meant to be simply and easy and it should not be difficult to really know what you need to make yourself happy.
Believe is basically the only tool we have to tell ourselves that one day it will get better. Bullshit, if you are not happy right now you could only blame yourself. IT IS YOUR DECISION! So now, I know what I want to do and have to do and I will go ahead and do it. With or without you! Your choice! Like I have always said…..It doesn’t matter what life throws at you, you should be really happy to be able to walk this earth and while we are talking about walking, you better walk tall and proud.
I do believe in good instead off the bad and I do love you all.
Ciao.
